So, a substack. Why now? I’m happy to keep writing for you beauteous souls who show up every couple of weeks to read my sharings each new and full moon, and I will continue to do so here, on The Joy-Spot (if you want to know why I’ve called it that, click the ‘About’ link).
A few months ago, I went to my last court appearance for child support. After ten years of back-and-forthing and fighting for reliable and consistent support for our children, I watched my ex straightup lie to the judge and then stop all subsequent child support payments. Like, nothing. Nada. Crickets.
For some reason, that was when my perspective shifted. It wasn’t all the years he said he’d pick up the kids and didn’t. It wasn’t when he “fought” for visitation rights (that no one objected to) and then never showed up. It wasn’t even the ten years we had to keep going back to court for unpaid child support and arrears.
For some reason, it was when I realized he lied to the judge that I finally understood. It wasn’t about me. Or the kids.
That’s when I knew I was on my own. All of my anger burbled up in the form of But it’s not fair!, I didn’t sign up for this, and But he’s 50 percent responsible for these children! I didn’t create them by myself…
But none of that matters.
I am not a stupid person. I can be quite intelligent; in fact, some have even called me ‘brilliant’ at times (okay, mostly my kids). But there is something incredibly powerful about holding on to a lie that allows you to belong. Allows you to feel like everyone else when you’ve been on the outside looking in all your life. Holding on to the lie that he still cared put me, us, in a category with other families. It made us a family, even if we were a broken one. The lie meant we were still one of those approved-of heteronormative-passing families where there’s a mom and a dad and happy kids and vacations and stability and comfort… Except we weren’t that family. I wasn’t that mom and he wasn’t that dad and we couldn’t create that illusion.
Accepting the truth meant there was something wrong, and I would need to examine what that something was. Where did it start? How, when, and with whom? And following that thread back is never fun.
That moment in court tore the blinders off, and I realized how much I’d been on my own for a very long time. I just hadn’t wanted to see it. So now I had to come up with ways to support my kids without any support for me.
Even with two jobs, my sole income is not enough for a whole family. I make a decent living, but rent alone takes more than half my paycheck each month.
I realized I needed to find other ways to survive, and the only thing I know for sure that I can do well is write. I’ve long given up on the idea of making a living from writing novels. That may be a viable pathway for some, but it has proven to be disappointing for the activist part of me that wants to change the world. Publishing is still a corporate, profit-driven endeavor, and I’ve never truly found my footing within it. I will still write books, but only when I can and only because I love them.
In the meantime, I need to supplement my income, and I am willing to work for it. When I discovered Substack, I was hopeful. I knew it was a way for me to stay in touch with people who find my content helpful and/or useful, and it could be a way for me to take care of myself and my kids.
I spend hours online each day, teaching, grading, and prepping, and I adore my students. But writing is in my bones; it allows for deeper connections and the possibility for creating community. I’d much rather be writing for you all, sharing insights and strategies to navigate this confounding, confusing, enraging, glorious, and wondrous moment we are living through together.
So, if you’ve enjoyed reading my work over the years, I hope you will consider a paid subscription. Unlike my blog, here on The Joy-Spot you can comment on posts and interact with others.
A paid subscription is the cost of a coffee and includes a weekly missive sent directly to your email. If you’re like me and get annoyed with those emails, however, you can come to the site or app when it works for you.
Posting on The Joy-Spot will allow me to share more personal information in a less public forum, and it will allow me to keep up with my bills.
Thank you so much for being here. For supporting me in whatever way/s you show up. I never take a single act of kindness for granted. I know I have a tendency to self-isolate and I’m working on that. For now, I will take the connection, the community, and the warmth offered (spoken, written, or silent) in this virtual space.
More soon…
Happy to be part of your “substack” community